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5 Facts About Effective and NonViolent Communication

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The pandemic doesn’t want to end. We are getting stressed and the rhythm of our lives have significantly changed – getting louder and quicker by the minute. In the middle of a working day, we sometimes forget to be empathic and forget how to effectively communicate without hurting anyone. We should know how to effectively communicate with our family, friends, and colleagues in a nonviolent way.

An essential part of resiliency is how we communicate and build our network. To communicate efficiently, we need to know that communication is a two-way road and not one. We need to send and receive.

There are rules to follow when we send. Some sensitive issues are unmentioned because of the fear that it might get us in trouble. Marshall Rosenberg inspired me with defined points that will help us have smooth, effective, and non-violent communication.

  1. Stop playing the right game. This is tricky. Being wrong often leads to punishment. Punishing someone by mistakes leads to shame and denies a person the chance for his needs to be met. Describing your situation rather than defending yourself provides better understanding for both the sender and the receiver, making the atmosphere lighter.
  2. Don’t use dialect tackle language. Don’t label people, as to who is who, and what is what. Based on what is right and wrong, judgments label dialects.
  3. Official Language, that means you have to do something because someone told you to do it. You have to acknowledge that everyone has a choice. It’s very stupid of us if we will always force things on people. if you really think that you have to do something, then it is a must, and to be obligated to do something is not good.
  4. The best way to communicate something to someone is through the OFNR way. It’s called the giraffe language; let’s speak giraffe language its 4 steps: OFNR

No interpretation, you just describe what it was – observation without you – I noticed that you did that and didn’t.

  • Making an observation is better than judgment. You can say, “the last time you gave me a gift was one year ago,” rather than saying “you never got me presents.”
  • Examples of judgment:
    a) β€œYou were saying mean things.”
    b) “You were trying to make me feel guilty.”
    c) “You are lazy.”
    d) “You are too late again.”
  • Examples of observation:
    a) Say, “I don’t like what you’re saying.”
    b) Say, “You are my partner, and we are supposed to support each other more.”
    c) Say: “You order food every day, and you said that we have to hire a cleaner cause I don’t want to clean.”
    d) Say β€œOur appointment should have been at 8 and it’s already 8:30.”
Feeling :

Then feeling and how you feel.

  • I feel hurt is a description. As if or like, I feel ignored is a description of a thought.

Need is also very important. What is my need? What is your need?

Sharing my Requests like β€œHow does that sound to you?” or action requests like, β€œCan we do this and that in our meeting tomorrow?”

For example:

I am so sad that my friend has not answered his phone for 10 days and never called back. So what I did was the next time he called me, I wanted to make sure that he wasn’t sick or didn’t have any emergency.

This is what I told him,

  • Observation – β€œI have reached out to you many times in the past weeks but you don’t pick up the phone.
  • Feeling – I feel very ignored.
  • Need – It would be great to connect more with you since we have been friends for a long time.
  • Request – Please at least let me know when you’re busy as this is very important for me. You can send me an SMS or call me back when you’re available.
  1. Positive judgments and compliments are not always good.

Regular compliments are not always good, including saying:

  • You are smart
  • You are the best boss
  • You are beautiful

Some people are pressured to keep their image based on the compliments they are given and this can affect the development of their true self-identity.

Instead, say it in a NonViolent Communication (NVC) way.

    1. Be specific about what was exactly done for this, and not just general.
    2. Share the feeling you have about it.
    3. Share your needs and why it’s important for you that he or she is like that.
    4. You can then see how they receive appreciation.

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